Propane, Cows, and firewood.

[IronSmith]

So today I actually made it out of bed prior to sunset and decided that grilled steak was in order for tonight's meal. Started the gas grill, mixed a drink, retrieved package of ribeye steaks from the fridge and proceeded back out to the now flaming hot inferno of the grill to plop down three enormous examples of butchered perfection. Aside from the pleasing taste and convenience of preparing dinner this way, well to me it's just a little boring.
So there I stand staring down at cow flesh neatly sizzling away and a thought occurs to me, this is just not nearly as fun as it would be to have the whole cow delivered to the backyard, a large fire pit dug and filled with wood, lit on fire and basically the whole cow sent downward into the flames for effect.
Anybody done this yet? Pro's / Con's to this method of cooking beef?

[Aaron Burr]

O.K. this one took a little while to try out but I finally got the required permits and bribes to local officials taken care of.

First off, I don't recommend this method of beef cookery for suburbanites. As soon as your neighbor sees a 30 by 20 fire pit and a Jersey heifer munching on some Gardenias I can pretty much guarantee a visit by your local S.W.A.T. team. But let's just assume you've got a few acres and non vegan neighbors...oh, and a couple of grand just laying around.

Use your John Deer 110 TLB (tractor loader backhoe) and dig out the afore mentioned 20x30 fire pit to a depth of about 7 feet. Next, dump about 6 cords of hard Oak wood into the pit, it should make a nice big mound. Make sure you have about 8 or 9 disposable immigrants on hand to wield the lighter fluid filled HydroBlast 4100 super soakers and get to work wetting down your wood. Ahem. At this point you want to be on top of a grassy knoll, or some industrial scaffolding so you have a clear shot with your flare gun. You may fire when ready Gridley, just make sure you're upwind. The ensuing fireball should be about twice as large as your fire pit and should rise to about 75 feet before dissipating in a noxious and hopefully Earth scarring cloud of soot.

Next you want to turn on the ballgame because it's going to take 2 to 4 hours for the fire pit to burn down to a bed of glowing coals. While you're listening to Randy Johnson pitch another post 300 career victory for the Giants, direct your surviving immigrants to lay some of that 30 foot rebar across the pit. Failure to use rebar will only result in an unscheduled bovine detonation so unless you're up for the ensuing pyrotechnic display caused by dropping Bessy into the fire pit from your Bell 47-J Ranger helicopter, I recommend rebar.

It should be around sunset by now so get your cow (assuming you've planned ahead and don't need to commence rustling operations) and lead it over to the pit. Oh, it needs to be really, really drunk for this to work so go ahead and splurge on that 25 gallon keg of Kentucky Bourbon. Have your forklift handy in case your cow gets a little tipsy. I recommend the Hyster S50XM. Mine has monster truck tires on it.

Anyway, the easiest thing to do at this point is use your last remaining immigrant to drive the forklift into the fire pit bearing your moo cow aloft on those 44 inch extended forks. If your driver is any good, he should be able to slide that drunken cow right onto the rebar before the propane tank powering the forklift explodes.

Speaking of explosions, now would be a good time to break out your trusty Browning Automatic Rifle and perforate as many of Bessy's stomachs as possible. Just trust me on this one.

At some point you're going to have to use the winch on your truck to flip the cow over so make sure you have at least one ladies sized MSA fire resistant suit on hand so one of your wives can hook everything up.

The same winch can be used to drag Bessy off the rebar and then there's really not much to it once the chainsaw gets fired up.

As you can see, it's pretty labor intensive. Next week I'm going to try using a flamethrower from the passenger side of an F-350. Or I might just back up a jet powered dragster to the barbed wire. I'll let you know. In the meantime, happy dining.

[Dont tread on me]

Will this method also work for Buffalo? I'm gonna try it with a 2000 gal. water truck filled with Famous Dave's Devil spit BBQ sauce.

[Aaron Burr]

May I suggest another item from the menu? Manatee perhaps? Having eaten a few of our American Buffalo I can't really recommend them for more discerning palettes. Also, I am planning on breeding enormous herds of genetically modified Bison to roam the plains like motorcycle gangs. I keep hearing all this crap about invasive non native species and I figured I'd do something about it. Take that Chupacabra. I'm about to unleash some 2 ton, armor plated, laser eye shooting, made in America cans of whoopass on your scaly, Spanish speaking behind.

But if you're determined to eat one of the traditional symbols of America, start with a hamburger.

A pound of Buffalo meat goes for over 5 bucks and is lean as Hell. I think it's around 1 or 2 percent fat as opposed to 10 or 15 percent for most ground beef. That right there should tell any red blooded, fat lovin', carnivorous gourmand that it might be pizza night instead. However, if you get home from the store and discover a red brick in the bottom of your bag, don't discard it, surprisingly, Buffalo meat can be turned into a delightful imatation hamburger so convincing, your vegan guests won't even bother with the subsequent lawsuit. The secret is of course, butter. And olive oil, but mostly butter.

Separate your burger meat into 2 big meaty balls. Ahem. Then poke a hole in the top with your thumb. A big hole. Take a pinch of Thyme and grind it up with your fingers into the hole. Dump in some salt and pepper. Then shove in the hole a hunk of butter about the size of your thumb. And then dump some olive oil over the whole thing. And dump some Worcestershire sauce over the top as well. Knead your balls (chortle) and mix all the ingredients together. Flatten into hamburger patties and you're good to go.

Just make sure you use potato buns instead of flour ones. And have some bacon ready to go on top, and some guacamole. Then of course, a generous application of Sweet Baby Rays BBQ sauce should be spread over your buns (snicker) before the lettuce and tomato jumps in there as well.

I tried using lard instead of butter, but I ended up just deep frying the whole can of lard in beer batter and eating the resulting mess with a slurpee straw.

[Aaron Burr]

Wait, wait. I can't forget this part. You have to make the patties thinner than normal. this is because the meat is so dense, if you cook them the regular way, they won't cook inside. At all. Gah.

So use a slightly lower heat and make thinner patties. And wear the Buffalo headdress while eating these. The one with the horns and the side flaps like in Little Big man.

[Dont tread on me]

Raw Red Meat. HUM? Not even a little warm in the center? I will give it the appropriate attention you can rest assured. I believe I have one of those head coverings around, you know for Bird watching and such.

[Aaron Burr]

UPDATE!!

Jet engine + cow = Angry neighbors billing me for cleaning out their roof gutters. I dunno', maybe a smaller engine....the theory seems sound enough.

The flame thrower deal with the pickup is an awesome visual, but most likely works better when sober. I'm looking at a herd of dairy cows sporting bandages and skin graphs right now. Whatever. Just one more reason to finish building that giant magnifying glass I guess.

Anyway, the first time I cooked Buffalo burgers the centers were raw and cold. It's dense stuff.

Have you tried making catfish burgers? The cool part is using either your bare hands to to catch one, and/or a stick of dynamite.

After that it's pretty much all about the beer batter. Which should really be called flour, egg, mustard and a splash of beer batter, but beer batter just sounds sexier. Use dark beer. Not only does it taste better, the slightly racist undertone of using dark beer is sure to make your Lib inlaws uncomfortable.

[Aaron Burr]

How I let this thread languish for so long is simply a crime against bloated and corrupt gourmands everywhere. Summers coming up so get those flame throwers ready!

[Eupher]

Wait just a damned minute.

All this talk about flame throwers and BAPs (big-assed pits) and propane-powered backhoes and Bessy's many stomachs being perforated with a Browning Automatic Rifle is just way, way, waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay over the top.

All I want is a freakin' hot dog, dammit. Mustard and onions ONLY.

No need to make all this so freakin' complicated. Jeezus. It's food already, not a damned quest.

[Aaron Burr]

Don't you ever get bored watching you Filipino man servant walking back and forth from the grill with your mustard wieners?

Summers coming up my good fellow. Time to make your indentured servants work for a living.

Besides, injecting a little random terror and oppression into their paltry little lives makes them feel right at home and less likely to attempt the trans Pacific swim back to their home islands.

Oh all right. We can race ours. I'll even spot your servant a head start to Catalina. I figure mine will catch up soon enough as I'll be following him with a Hammerhead shark on a worn out and frayed leash.